Sunday Morning

I slept in this morning and I am now sitting outside with the dogs on this crisp fall morning.  It is COLD, but I love it!    The air feels so good!!  This past week has been up and down.  I am anxious about my house stuff.  The foundation will be delivered on the 3rd, so the excavator will be starting soon.  So, I told him I can not go a $ over his budgeted price.  He understands, and is so nice, but I think he thinks I'm crazy.  I know this house will be great, but honestly this fall and winter, it may look like compete HELL until I can get the grass done, put on the decks and things like that.  But, I know it will happen at some point and I just can't spend the money now.  So in the spring is when I will worry about it.  I will plant a small area for the dogs, and put up a temp. fence until I can do the yard in the spring, if not summer.  I will be in this house for a VERY long time and if I have patience and take my time it will all come together.  Just nervous.

Work is going well, I am so thankful.  it's a learning curve for them because I am not the norm in what they are used to with booking clients and all. It is funny, but I think it is blowing their minds a bit, but it will all work out.  I have been doing tons of weddings!!!  UGH, but I have not said a word about me being divorced, I just say I'm single.  It is really nice to make a person feel beautiful on their special day.  I did a huge wedding last weekend, the first of this size and budget at work.  They bought out the 180 rooms and used the place Friday-Sunday.  It was amazingly beautiful and I did the whole group of them.  the funny part was I didn't know what a big effect I had on the day.  They were all happy and the father of the bride(the money man) grabbed me when they were leaving in front of the owner and the GM, he told me I was amazing and his family loved me and I made the day so special for his girls.  HOW NICE!!  My owner and GM were beyond happy!!  That is good for me!!  I really do like work and I am excited to just be settled soon!!

Drinking, I have stopped obsessing so much about drinking, I don't know why, maybe because I decided I need to be sober and that if I don't like these meetings when things settle I will find others.  My sponsor and I haven't talked and I think she has pulled back to help others closer to her, so I will just have to take all the things she has taught me and review them, remember them and keep looking for an AA group I can make my own.

Now, off to paint my aunts house, her husband, who drinks and gets crazy is gone for a week and we want to do it while he is gone.  He gets drunk, sloppy and nasty when he has to do stuff like this, so it is nice to help her out.  She deserves to have her house looking nice!!

What's next

I know what is driving my sadness.  FEAR!!  I think I am finally getting it that I am alone again!!  I think I have to grieve my marriage, even though towards the end it was compeletely awful.  I think what's really making it hard is that I am not finding the AA in this new area welcoming and helpful.  I think in Boston when things would get bad I could go to any meeting and really feel at home, even if I didn't know a soul.  Here I don't feel that way.  Here I feel like they are grumpy and nosey.  I know I can't drink, so I need to stay in some sort of fellowship and like was suggested the other day I should use my internet fellowship more.  I think once the house is done and I am working full time I can try to find a few meetings that will help me.  I can test out some meetings that are further away.  I guess I was used to going to at least 1 meeting a day and once in a while I might hit 2 if I knew someone was speaking.  Maybe if I can at some point find 3 meetings a week that I will like, maybe that will be what I need.  I think I have to stop focusing on what isn't making me happy and focus on what really does.

Today I am meeting with the contractor and the foundation people at my property.  The survey is done so the asshole neighbor can SUCK IT!!  LOL!!  He was claiming I was trying to take down his trees and stuff, funny thing is I don't think he realized where the line really was!!  Anyway, he can't cause me anymore problems because I am in the right and after this point he is just bordering on harrassment!!!  I am just glad I stayed calm (as calm as I can be) didn't engage in his dramatics, because now I know I am right, FOR A FACT!!!  And now I have the truth behind me and you can't fight that, it is pretty black and white.  If I was drinking I most likely would have been all over him and it would have made things worse for me. That is why I am glad I am sober.  Trying to remember to have graditude!!!

I'm not sure where I am at right now.

I am at a loss.  I don't know what I want.  I know I do have a wonderful HP, but I am just trying to figure out why I am so sad.  I am so lucky to be getting a house soon, I have a job where people want me to be happy and they are appreciative of what I do.  I am just lost.  I HATE the AA in my area.  I know , I know I should make the best of it, but I am not inspired by a single person.  They all suck, in my book.  I try to get involved and they tell me this is how they do stuff, well, I don't liker it, I want to drink when I am at the meetings because they piss me off so much.  It is so messed up.  My sponsor is trying to "back off" because she thinks I am leaning on her and wants me to find someone down here.  I really have tried but everyone is a "hater"  they don't make me want to learn from them.  They bitch and moan, I don't know what to do. I may just start seeing a therapist or something because the meetings are making me want to lose my last nerve!!

I am just at a loss, I need a foundation, I need fellowship.  I'm really lonely for that!

Facebook tags, I hate them!!!

Ok, it's facebook I know, but I HATE when people tag you in pictures just because they have nothing else to do.  I have a friend, and I am sure we all have them, who takes pictures of herself and posts them because they think they are fab.  I usually just laugh at her, she really is an attention seeking person.  She is the person that loves to talk all about herself, but you know your friends for so long you just let it slide.  Well, tonight she tags me in a picture of Como's on her backyard table.  What's funny is she knows I don't drink anymore, but I didn't tell her about AA, to be honest I never will, she tells people everything, and I don't need her telling my business to others.  The thing is she tagged me and within 20 minutes I got 3 phone calls, and 2 emails about it, the funny thing I was at a meeting and I saw the tag, and was freaking out, the meeting started, so I couldn't do anything.  Then after the meeting I have all the phone calls.  The thing that pisses me off is I have been struggling with my sobriety, in my head and Comos were one of my drinks until I went to straight vodka.  I'm just mad because I have talked to people about how I feel and I think they thought I drank.  I haven't called them back, I just don't want to have to defend my sobriety, I'm just pissed at my friend.  I know it is stupid, but now if I untag it I have to deal with her bullshit, it's ridiculous. 

Just mad, just annoyed, just being an alcoholic I guess!!!

Helping another to get me out of my head!

Today I am going to work on a wig for a girl I went to high school with.  She is 36, and suffers from ovarian cancer.  She and my mom were diagnosed at the same time 2 1/2 years ago.  It is so sad, but she is so strong.  She is a beautiful person, always helped others, and I am amazed at her strength.

So what has been going on with me.  Well, the trees on my lot are gone. But the jerk who owns the lot next to me is now questioning my property line, this is also the man that he and his wife bombarded me one day when i was at the lot and said they should be building my house, they build all the housing in the community, I should cancel with my contractor, all that bull shit.  I let it roll off my back and laughed it off, but he & his wife are vindictive people.  He went to the community association saying I was rude and over the line, then he went to the township, then they went to the man who is going to be digging for me.  I had given the community permission for him to call me, but instead of facing me and talking he is trying to stall my permits.  Funny thing is the TWP. hates him.  they called me and said he is an ass.  They said I am not required to do anything to make him happy, but because he is a problem causer to everyone all the time I should get another survey done.  So I am.  They all helped me get a nice company that actually have dealt with this man and they don't like him, so everything will be fine.  The thing is I should have listened to my gut and redone the survey.  Everyone said not to, but they were just trying to help.  Anyway, I am doing it and once it is done he can't say or do shit to me!!!  It does show me though how people are.  My friend said I should have reported him to the TWP and the community, but I just don't do that kind of stuff, maybe now I need to.  I don't have someone to stick up for me, so I have to be my own voice, which I usually have no problem with. I am lucky all the inspectors and those people want to help me, I am thankful for that!!  My house is supposed to be delivered by the 17th, just pray I don't have to come up with anymore cash for anything!!  I am really tight right now!!!

So on my sobriety, I am still sober, but feeling out of the circle.  I think that is the only way to describe it.  I feel like I am just not connecting in my area to anyone.  I have to try harder, I guess right now I am just pulled in a lot of directions and I just don't know.  I know I am an alcoholic.  I know I can't drink safely, but I am thinking in my head that I wished I could.  I think it is more a wish then a desire.  I think because I haven't connected to any AA people here that I feel like I have no sobriety around me.  I would love to celebrate my house with a drink, but if I think about it, I would have NO house if I drank.  It's crazy thinking, that's why I know I am an alocholic.  I have an alergy, a disease.  I can't drink, i think I also need to be busy. I have nothing to do!!  Work will not be full time until Nov.  which is good to paint and stuff at the house, but right now I am in a holding pattern.  If I had more money I could be going and seeing people, but right now even gas is a luxury and I need to keep my spending down.  I will make it, I will get by, I just need to keep going to AA, reading my blogs, and praying!!  Praying is what will keep me sober and get me by!!!

Have a great weekend everyone!!